Like a Thorn in My Side

Why is it that autistic people look so much alike? It's maddening. The girls look like eco-terrorists. Of course, I am an environmentalist myself and most autistics are on some level because they unlike regular people know they are part of their environment. Still, doesn't it drive you mad? (in a curious sort of way) I wouldn't change them, (us) though. They are perfect.

I can see a person on the autism spectrum and like two magnets polarizing, we turn away. We are not designed to fit like we are with others. I watch them from a distance, through the computer screen, their pretty faces and faraway eyes, wide open. They never close. What is it in those eyes?

I can hardly look at my own straight because they are so piercing. It actually frightens me. What is in these eyes? And who am I really writing for, here? The world or you or me? Is this blog just for people on the autism spectrum or is it for everybody to have a look into the world of autism? Can it be all of those things?

Does it even matter who reads this? I am pretty sure it doesn't. You could be a hobo on the side of the road or anybody. You are a real, live reader and I reached you. That is all that matters to me. I am one tiny piece in the collective. I don't have to do my job plus the work of thousands. I only need to be me.

I haven't spent much time with people on the autism spectrum. When I have the chance to I back away. Maybe it is because I am not used to being with my own kind. I feel this is exactly where I need to be. The world is my kind and I am loyal to it, just as I am to this cause. It is a hard road when you belong nowhere. These little trends in the autism community are something I will have no part of, just like I will have no part in them in the world at large.

The socialization of autism is one thing but within our community there cannot be followers. Only those who are true to themselves. The socialization of autism is one thing but if we attempt to mimic the social hierarchy of the NT we will fail as a people. This is why we must cease to bicker righteously among ourselves and forgive the sins that were committed against us in our past. Forgetting those acts of hate is entirely another, however.

I am talking about a profound forgiveness that solidifies the person you have become and will become from here on out. A forgiveness of the situation more than forgiving a single person. It doesn't make sense to some people I am sure but I see the autism community as just another system to hold me back. I want to be an individual for the good of all. Have you felt that the autism community is a contradiction and that it holds you back? I am prepared for the possibility that this is just me and only me. That nobody else feels this way.

Whatever

I have been avoiding this whole writing thing for a while because I really hate talking about autism. And I have been thinking that the reason behind that needs to be identified. There are a lot of feelings that go through my head when I hear about autism and imagine myself sharing my experiences and perspectives.

Initially I experience a complex emotion that is currently unidentifiable. I get a lot of these and they are painful. Imagine a bunch of feelings wrapped up in one, like an itch you cannot scratch and a word on the very tip of your tongue, it torments you. What is that feeling? Where does it come from? Do I want to cry, run or fight? Am I defensive, disgusted or angry?

The subject of autism upsets me and makes me want to vomit. Autism has become a buzzword, a word of evocation, usually exploited in a myriad of inappropriate ways. Autism this, autism that. Since I am autistic, am I supposed to think this is normal? Part of what makes me frustrated (and sick to my stomach) is how everything today is about autism. And there is nothing I can do about it.

We all know the "reasons" for autism and those speculations could take lifetimes just to fit into a conversation. Mostly, people seem so stupid. I hate hearing all this crap all the time. If you don't get it, I'm sorry. I guess I just suck at communicating. I don't even really know why this upsets me so much.

I think this socializing autism upsets me. I think this "we all love autism" while hearing about an autistic woman walking down the road getting raped in plain view of people disturbs me. I think the fact that everything conflicts yet fits so perfectly like a puzzle makes my head spin.

I hate saying "I" all the time and it makes me think I sound like a self-absorbed person. I hate how I sound in this stupid post and want to not post it. But I am going to post this stupid post, anyway.