Whatever

I have been avoiding this whole writing thing for a while because I really hate talking about autism. And I have been thinking that the reason behind that needs to be identified. There are a lot of feelings that go through my head when I hear about autism and imagine myself sharing my experiences and perspectives.

Initially I experience a complex emotion that is currently unidentifiable. I get a lot of these and they are painful. Imagine a bunch of feelings wrapped up in one, like an itch you cannot scratch and a word on the very tip of your tongue, it torments you. What is that feeling? Where does it come from? Do I want to cry, run or fight? Am I defensive, disgusted or angry?

The subject of autism upsets me and makes me want to vomit. Autism has become a buzzword, a word of evocation, usually exploited in a myriad of inappropriate ways. Autism this, autism that. Since I am autistic, am I supposed to think this is normal? Part of what makes me frustrated (and sick to my stomach) is how everything today is about autism. And there is nothing I can do about it.

We all know the "reasons" for autism and those speculations could take lifetimes just to fit into a conversation. Mostly, people seem so stupid. I hate hearing all this crap all the time. If you don't get it, I'm sorry. I guess I just suck at communicating. I don't even really know why this upsets me so much.

I think this socializing autism upsets me. I think this "we all love autism" while hearing about an autistic woman walking down the road getting raped in plain view of people disturbs me. I think the fact that everything conflicts yet fits so perfectly like a puzzle makes my head spin.

I hate saying "I" all the time and it makes me think I sound like a self-absorbed person. I hate how I sound in this stupid post and want to not post it. But I am going to post this stupid post, anyway.